Life will go on . . .

December 28, 2008 by Kailani  
Filed under my family

I’ve written this post over and over again trying to find the right words but then realized that there aren’t any. So I’m just going to come out and say it . . . I am no longer pregnant.

About a week ago, I started spotting. I immediately made an appointment to see my OB-GYN and went in thinking I had already miscarried. Surprisingly, when she did the ultrasound there was the fetus with it’s heart beating strong. I was shocked. I told my doctor that it’s amazing how a miscarriage scare can really make you appreciate a pregnancy. All of a sudden, I felt like I was the luckiest person on Earth to be having a baby. I carried the baby’s first photo home in my purse and proudly displayed it on the fridge.

An hour later, the fetus was gone. This is actually the third miscarriage I’ve been through so I knew exactly what has happening. However, for some reason this one seems to be the hardest one to deal with and I have no idea why. It’s not like we were even trying to have more children. I don’t know, maybe it’s the difference between not wanting more kids and not being able to have more kids.

I think a part of me must still be in denial. I still haven’t told anyone besides my family – not my doctor, not my friends, not my employer. I’ve just been trying to concentrate on spending the holidays with my family and making sure my girls enjoy Christmas even though I’m just not in the mood. I usually keep all of our decorations up until the New Year but decided to take them down the day after Christmas. I’m just so over it already. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when the New Year was here.

Don’t worry, I know that in time I’ll be fine. I have to be for the sake of my two girls. I know I’m so blessed to have them in my life and I want to make sure they know it.

Life will go on . . .

About the author:
Owner and founder of An Island Life. Sharing my life as a mother to 3 wonderful daughters, working as a flight attendant, and living a blessed life in Hawaii.


155 Responses to “Life will go on . . .”
  1. Kim says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. You will be in my prayers.

  2. Shop Femina says:

    So sorry to hear that. We have two boys, but our second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.

  3. Laura says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and I will remember you in my prayers. *hugs*

  4. HeatherY says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Leanne says:

    I am so sorry. We lost our third unplanned/unexpected baby boy over Christmas a few years ago. It’s a very hard time as it is, but adding Christmas to the mix makes it especially hard. Hugs, lots of hugs.

  6. Jen @ Mommay's Mayhem says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I just posted about what I’m going through at the moment and it sucks. It really is awful to have this happen at Christmastime. I’ll be thinking of you.

  7. AmyG says:

    Great big HUGS for you, Kalini! I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ll be in my thoughts & prayers.

  8. Jamie says:

    I’m so sorry Kailani….thinking of you.

  9. Tami says:

    I am so sorry. Praying for your comfort during this time. Yes, I can relate to not being ABLE to have any more children. Deep down, I’d like another one, even though it wouldn’t fit into our current busyness, but it’s very slim chances with me having PCOS.

  10. Jennifer says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  11. Write From Karen says:

    I’m sorry Kailani. I wanted to reach out to you when you Twittered the first sign but I didn’t know what to say – I still don’t.

    So, I’ll offer a (((hug))) instead.

  12. Jennifer says:


    I am so very sorry. I know those words are not soothing at the moment. Know that you are being thought of and I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

  13. Naomi says:

    Oh, Kailani. What heartache to suffer when you had just gotten good news and were so very happy. I hope you and your family can come to terms with your loss and try to enjoy the new year. I know it’s a big family day in Hawaii and I hope you get some comfort from being around those who love you.

  14. Melissa says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there! :)

  15. Lisa says:

    I’m sorry, Kailani.

  16. Janet F says:

    ((((((Kalini)))))) I am so very sorry.

  17. Desert Songbird says:

    Kailani, don’t beat yourself up over your feelings. They are all real, and you deserve to feel any anger, pain, denial, or resentment you want.

    Just take care of yourself. We’ll all be around when you return.

  18. Qtpies7 says:

    I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. I have been through several miscarraiges, too. You are allowed to wallow in your feelings for awhile.

    Take some time if you have to. Some are harder than others to deal with.

    Prayers for you!

  19. MaryBeth I says:

    So sorry to hear this. I don’t know what else to say other than my heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  20. Rhonda says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your lost. You and your family are in my prayers. Hugs!

  21. Wendy says:

    So, so sorry…. ((hugs)) to you.

  22. Linda @Short Pump Preppy says:

    I’m so sorry…prayers for you and your family!

  23. Sheila says:

    So sorry to hear of your loss, I will be prayin for ya.

  24. mannequin says:

    Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss . I’ve typed and retyped and there are no words, only compassion.

  25. Queen-sized funny bone says:

    You will survive with the love of your family and friends. But hurting is normal and expected. I am sorry you had to go through this again. much love your way.

  26. Jennifer @ Quiverfull Family says:

    Oh sweety, I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you, your husband and your little ones. Big hugs. I wish I could have you over and cry with you.

  27. Misty VanEpps says:

    wow, sorry for your loss. i cant seem to find the right words to say either. but.. like you said “life will go on..” take care.

  28. Tonya says:

    Praying for you all…..thanks for sharing with us so we can pray for you and keep you all in our thoughts!

  29. Becky Grayson says:

    I am so sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  30. Kendra Field says:

    So sorry, a friend of ours just went through a miscarriage and I know from her that it’s incredibly hard. Hang in there, embrace the love around you.

  31. Carey says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

  32. stacey moore says:

    sending hugs and prays from kentucky!
    so sorry!

  33. Hedy says:

    I’m so sorry.

  34. Sues2u2 says:

    All I can say is the same as everyone else. But just like everyone else they are truly heartfelt & full of understanding.

    I’m so sorry & yes, you & your family will be in my prayers.

  35. Renee says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter how you felt about this before, it is how you feel now that matters.
    Lots of hugs to you and your family.

    You are in my prayers.

  36. TheAngelForever says:

    Oh Kailani, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that lots of hugs are coming your way. Also sending lots of prayers to your entire family.

  37. Laura says:

    Sometimes, with things like this, the pats on the back and ‘thinking of yous’ are nice, but all you want to hear is… this sucks! And it does. I’m so sorry. Do what you need to do, your girls will understand. They pick up on your needs, as much as you do with theirs.

  38. Em Dy says:

    In times like these, it’s hard to find the words but like you said, life will go on and pretty soon everything will be alright though not the same.

    Hang in there. Hugs from here.

  39. valmg says:

    I think part of what makes it all so hard is the complete lack of control we have over our own bodies, no matter what our heart wants.
    I haven’t experienced a miscarriage but I can relate to not being able to have more children as I was forced to have a hysterectomy last year.
    I am really sorry to hear of your loss and will say a prayer for heaven’s newest little angel.

  40. Maribeth says:

    Oh my dear, I am so sorry. I lost a baby between my first and second child. I have often wondered what life would be like had she lived.
    I am sending hugs, and all my love.

  41. Bridgette says:

    I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs….

  42. Pamela Kramer says:

    This is a road that is not fun to travel. Many of us have traveled it and there really isn’t a “right” thing to say. On that note I give you {{big hugs}}. Prayers are with you and your family.

  43. Loralynn says:

    I am so sorry.

  44. Kristen M. says:

    Thank you for sharing. My prayers are with you as well.

  45. Alyson says:

    I am so sorry for your loss of your baby. It is very hard and you will always remember the unborn. May you find peace and love with your family and friends.

  46. Cat @ 3 Kids and Us says:

    As someone who has lost a child herself I know there are no words to make you feel better or make the pain go away. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you.

  47. ciara says:

    hugs (((((kailani)))))

  48. tammy b says:

    …but it still hurts. i am sorry for your loss. you are in my prayers.

  49. Anne says:

    Your pain is understood by so many of us. God Bless and take the time you need to heal your heart.

    You are in my prayers.

  50. Lorie says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  51. Baba says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will be praying for you hun.

  52. MaryBeth @ FourSillySisters says:

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  53. Vader's Mom says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers…

  54. kristin says:

    Oh No Kailani! :(

    It’s never easy, it always hurts…. seriously big hugs!

  55. sagemom says:


  56. Forgetfulone says:

    I am so sorry. I’ve been there. An ectopic pregnancy and two miscarriages. It was a long time ago. If you should get pregnant again, please have them check your progesterone levels from the very beginning. This is what finally saved my pregnancy. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

  57. Mozi Esme's Mommy says:

    I’m so sorry! To deal with the loss in the midst of a holiday season must be incredibly rough. You’re in our prayers…

  58. Tracey says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

  59. Pamela says:

    hugs hugs hugs and more hugs….
    I wish I really could do this.

  60. Janine says:

    I am so sorry. God Bless You!

  61. Jennifer H. says:

    Oh, Kailani! I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I will keep you in my prayers! {{{HUGS}}}

  62. Mrs. Organic says:

    I’m sorry this has happened to you and your family – what a hard thing to go through during the holidays. I pray you feel comfort and support as you recover form your loss.

  63. jodi @ bpr says:

    bless your heart – thanks for sharing! my prayers go out to you!

  64. Tessa says:

    so sorry! hugs!

  65. Hillary says:

    I am so sorry!

  66. Marigold says:

    There aren’t words.
    However, this much I have learned from experience: life does go on, and in time, you find you can get used to anything. My thoughts are with you.

  67. Rebecca says:

    I’m so sorry.

  68. Junglewife says:

    I’ve never had a miscarriage, so I can only imagine what you are doing through, and I am sure it is not easy. I am so sorry for your loss. Blessings and hugs.

  69. * TONYA * says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss.

  70. grubmama says:

    virtual hug.

  71. Jamaise says:

    I’m so sorry. I have been through it too. I’m glad you were able to vent here. Wishing you peace & comfort.

  72. Kim says:

    I’m so sorry, Kailani.

  73. Kimberly/Mom in the City says:

    So sorry to hear of your family’s loss. You will be in my prayers…

  74. Lissete says:

    So sorry…


  75. Pegsy says:

    I don’t know what made me read your blog today, but here I am with tears in my eyes to hear of your loss. I wish there was a way to take away your pain, but after 2 miscarriages of my own, I know that’s not possible. It’s a process and each time you grieve in a different way. May God’s grace and peace be upon you during this time.

  76. Hayley G. says:

    I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Kudos to you for remembering that life does go on (I know it’s hard to remember that when you are sad or down).

  77. illahee says:

    oh kailaini, i am so so sorry for your loss. please accept great big cyber hugs from me in japan. (((((kailani)))))

  78. Alexia says:


  79. Cathi says:

    Do you see how many people love and care about you? Countless. Be well dear friend.

  80. NerdMom says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your whole family. Just remember you are well loved!

  81. Richelle F says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that. Hope everything will be ok.

  82. Deb - Mom of 3 Girls says:

    Oh Kailani…. I am so sorry to hear this. I know that there are no words that can help make things better, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my first baby to a m/c and remember how devastating it was – will be thinking of you. Hugs…

  83. Tamy ~ 3Sides of Crazy says:

    I’m so sorry Kailani. So many of us have been there and are thinking of you and empathizing, but most importantly it will just take time for you.

  84. Suzanne B. (Crunchy Green Mom) says:

    Oh.. Honey… ~huge hugs~ Kailani.. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to heal that part of your heart.

    You have someone thinking of you here in Colorado, Warm Blessings to you and your family.

  85. Tarasview says:

    oh Kailani, I’m so sorry. My third miscarriage was my hardest too.

    Love to you. Praying for you too.

  86. Cathy | Mommy Motivation says:

    What aweful news. Thank you for sharing with us. I feel fortunate to have these online ‘relationships’. Again, so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you – remember to do what you need to do so you can grieve. Sometimes we grieve a lot or a little, either way it is very sad and very difficult.

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you,

  87. Muthering Heights says:

    I’m SO sorry to hear about that…I’m sure you must be heartbroken. I will pray for you, and I hope you experience emotional healing soon. :)

  88. Jenni Jiggety says:

    Oh, I am so sorry…

  89. Nancy says:

    I’m very sorry for your loss.

  90. Regina says:

    Kailani, my heart goes out to you. I too had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. My story and your story are so similiar. I’m 40, have two boys and found myself in shock that I was pregnant. The worries of how would I handle another child, feeling bad through the pregnancy, all the negatives, were my 1st thoughts. And then, just when it had settled in that I was pregnant and happy about it, I miscarried. I’ve had a miscarriage before but this one hit me much harder. I can’t seem to get over the grieving the process. I believe it is because I know that it’s not really a choice anymore. I won’t have anymore children b/c I will not be able to. I’ve tried to focus on my boys and enjoy them and find peace with the fact that this is a new season in my life and I will enjoy being a mother of two. I truly know how difficult it can be and I can be a shoulder to cry on if you just need someone to share your thoughts with. Take care and may God bless you to find peace and understanding through this time.

  91. Upstatemomof3 says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the hurt. God Bless you and your family.

  92. desi says:

    I’m sorry is an empty phrase, I know .
    I hope you’re feeling better soon

  93. Alyce says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I went through almost the exact same thing five years ago. Went to the doctor, saw the heartbeat, got the photos, and then the next day miscarried. I think it was much harder because the doctor had said everything was fine.

    I know that nothing anyone says makes it better, but I hope that your days will get brighter soon.

  94. Amanda says:

    My heart goes out to you and your family, this is a cruddy thing to go through; especially during the holiday season. I know how you are feeling (my first was stillborn) and all I can say is sorry… words help really.

  95. diana/sunshine says:

    i’m so sorry kailani. i know it must be hard for you and your husband as you grieve for this loss. my prayers are with you.

  96. Deborah says:

    Kailani, I wish I could give you a big hug and have a good cry with you. I do not know the pain of a miscarriage. I have friends and family who do. Know that you are loved and being uplifted in prayer. And, if I could, I would have you over for a cuppa and a fresh baked lamington from the bakery here across the street. Here’s a hug from Queensland, Australia . . .

    Praying for you,
    Deborah @ Comfort Joy Designs

  97. Krista says:

    I’m so sorry. I hope that things will get better for you.

  98. Stephanie says:

    Kailani, I just heard the news. I’m so sorry. The pain must be immense. Thinking of you…

  99. Amanda says:

    oh Kailani, I am so sorry. No matter if the pregnancy was planned or not loosing a baby is hard. I have been through i twice and both times were just as hard. yes time heals the heart but you never forget. You never stop thinking of what could have been.

    Your in my prayers, please let us know if you need anything. HUGS!

  100. Beeb Ashcroft says:


  101. Caryn Bailey says:

    I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you and your family. Hugs!! Please let me know if I can do anything…

  102. matt says:

    So Sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it must be like.

  103. maria says:

    very sorry..big virtual hug.

  104. tracey says:

    I’m so sorry, Kailani…


    Many hugs for you, dear….

  105. Trish says:

    I am so sorry about your loss. I know how incredibly difficult and painful it is. I lost two this year. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  106. Natalie says:

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You’ll definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find peace that will help guide you.

  107. Jill says:

    I’m so sorry, Kailani. I don’t have any words of wisdom and everything I can think to say just sounds so trite and probably won’t help you anyway, so I’ll just send you a big hug over the internet. I’ll be thinking about you.

  108. Jennifer says:

    Just offering a very heartfelt sorry and prayers for comfort for you.

  109. Grace @ Sandier Pastures says:

    I’ve been away from the PC and have just read this. I am sorry to hear. Hope somehow you are coping with the loss.

  110. Amy says:

    Kailani, my heart breaks for you and your family today. I am so sorry. Please know that I and I am sure many others are praying for you and crying for you. Thank you for sharing this with us. I can’t imagine how difficult this is, but we all love you very much and are here for you.

    In His Love, Amy

  111. amy says:

    Just letting you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  112. Angela says:

    (((HUGS)))….it is always harder to miscarry when you have two babies at home. I pray that your pain will go away soon. I do know what you are going through.

  113. Michelle says:

    I am so sorry to hear this. I am thinking of you and your family.

  114. Amy @ The Q Family says:

    Big HUGS for you!!

    I’m so so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers and thoughts. I couldn’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. I just hope and pray that you will find some ways to deal with this loss.

  115. Holly Schwendiman says:

    Oh sweetheart! I’m SO sorry. {{Hugs}}


  116. Angela says:

    I’m so sorry to hear your news. Hugs! I will be holding you up in prayer at this time. It doesn’t matter if its planned, we know as moms the moment we know our baby is there we love it so much. It’s our nature! Will be praying.


  117. Summer says:

    I’m so sorry Kailani.

  118. Stacey says:

    Kailani, I am sorry. I hurt with you today.

  119. JenniferR says:

    I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t even imagine…and especially around the holidays when you have to try to keep a positive attitude for your girls. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope 2009 will be a wonderful year for you.

  120. Dee says:

    my heart, love and best wishes are with you!

  121. Michele @ The Integrated Mother says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss Kailani. My prayers are with you.

  122. Kila says:

    Oh no, I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences. Do take time to mourn. (((HUGS)))

  123. JHS says:

    This is one of those times when words are completely inadequate. I send you giant hugs and boundless support in the days ahead. Be kind to yourself & allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling because, as you know, all feelings are legitimate and ultimately lead to healing. You are right . . . life will go on and you have two beautiful girls upon which to focus, but that doesn’t change the magnitude of the loss. Best to you and your lovely family in 2009 and always.

  124. Heather C says:

    Oh, no! I’m so sorry.

  125. Doreen says:

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Kailani! <<<>>> May God wrap His love around you and comfort you during this difficult time.

  126. AJacobsen says:

    I am SO sorry to hear of your loss! My prayers are with you and your family. Thanks for sharing with us and allowing us to mourn with you and lift you up in prayer!

  127. Sarah says:

    I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. I am sending an e-hug your way, and I hope you will feel comfort and healing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

  128. Angie P. says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Words mean little, but know many hold you in their thoughts. Hugs…

  129. Dee says:

    I am so sorry and I cant possibly imagine what you’re going through! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

  130. Erin says:

    Oh Kailani I am so sorry to hear this. I have lost before as well and know the rush of emotions is hard to deal with and even harder to explain. I also know nothing anyone can say ultimatly makes you feel any better, only time can. You are so right about counting the blessings you do have! Your girls are the most precious blessings and you are the most precious blessing to them. Everything happens for a reason. Stay strong. Hugs! <3 Erin

  131. Donetta says:

    Be embraced. May healing overcome your grief in it’s good timing. Dear one how I will hold you in my heart tonight.

  132. Katie says:

    I am so very very sorry to hear your sad news. I will be praying for you. I have lost 2 babies as well, one was my first pregnancy, I lost the baby at 6 weeks, and the other baby I lost last year at 20 weeks. I know your pain too well, and I will be thinking of you and praying for you.


  133. Louise says:

    I’ve been trying to think of what to say here, but there are no words for when something like this happens.

  134. Mariana says:

    Kailani, I’m so sorry for your loss… lots of hugs, prayers, & wishes for the best this upcoming year.

  135. Nachelle says:

    Kailani, I am deeply sorrowful for you and your family’s loss. I’ve experienced a miscarriage too and was devastated by the news. But as you said life goes on and the cares and sorrows of today will only be a memory tomorrow. I send comfort, strength and love your way. We love you.

  136. Nicole (SAHM Ramblings) says:

    Kailani –

    We’ve been out of town so I just finally am catching up on your sad news. I’m so sorry to hear it and send my deepest sympathy. As someone who experienced infertility and miscarriage, I can honestly say I understand the hurt and emptiness you have.

    Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  137. Christi says:

    Oh, hon, I’m so so sorry! Sending you much love and many prayers!!

  138. Shae says:

    My heart goes out to you. Shae

  139. Crazy Daisy says:

    Thoughts and prayers to you and your family!

  140. A Cowboy's Wife says:

    I’ve had 4mcs before little man came along. I truly know how blessed I am for having him and appreciate every moment. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen;) MWAH

  141. Jen says:

    I have to admit, I had been worried when you weren’t coming by the board in such a long while. I’d hoped you’d been too busy with Christmas.
    Our last pregnancy was much the same way – seeing a heartbeat at 7 weeks, but things still going all wrong. On one hand, I was so glad to have known that heartbeat was there, like a validation that I hadn’t just imagined it all. On the other hand, it’s tough to know that it really, really was there – and isn’t anymore.
    I’m sorry you’ve been through so many. I’m sure if you do decide on another one, everything will go perfectly!

  142. Lori Downs says:

    I am so sorry, Its never easy to lose a child

  143. J. says:

    I am so sorry for your hurt also.
    I’ll be praying for you tonight.

  144. Kimberly @ AllAboutKimberly says:

    Oh my…I’m behind on reading my emails and I’m so sorry…I don’t know much else to say, but I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t really help, but you and your family will be in my prayers.

  145. Debbie says:

    I just read about it today. I’m so sorry about your loss. Said a prayer for you.

  146. michelle says:

    I’m so sorry, I was behind on reading blogs over the holidays. My prayers are with you and your family. We’re trying to get pregnant now and it’s been awhile now that we’ve been trying so I know having a miscarriage must be terrible, my heart goes out to you.

  147. Melissa says:

    I am so behind in my blog reading… I’ve been hit and miss and somehow I missed this…
    I’m so sorry :( Wish I was there to give you a big hug and take care of the girls so you could rest.

  148. Mama Duck says:

    I’m also late to this (Christmas travels) but wanted to send *hugs* to you.

  149. Ann Fantom says:

    I just read about your loss today. My heart goes out to you.

  150. Amy says:

    I’m am so sorry! I’m praying for you and your family.

  151. Elizabeth M. says:

    Nothing I could ever say could really help ease the pain of what you’re going through but please know that I am deeply sorry and hope that time will bring some healing and help to cushion the pain. (((hugs)))

  152. Romie says:

    I am so sorry for you. In July of last year I had my first miscarriage as well (link on my name to the post) and was so heart broken at first. We are trying to have another baby so it is hard, but I am ok now and doing better. I am sure you will too. Much love!!

  153. trisha says:

    i am so so sorry for your loss, kailani.


  154. Christine says:

    (I’m catching up with you after a long hiatus…)

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve never miscarried but I can’t imagine how painful it must be. You’re in my thoughts…

  155. Sarah @ Ohana Mama says:

    Kailani, I’m so sorry. I just saw this. Sending you hugs from Maui. Hope you are doing as well as you can.

We Appreciate Your Comments

Thank you for stopping by!
If you'd like an image next to your comment, you need a gravatar.

CommentLuv Enabled