Visiting the Past
August 4, 2008 by Kailani
Filed under random thoughts
I recently received a friend request on Facebook from someone I used to go to high school with. I can’t believe that after 20 *ahem* years, she was able to find me. And let me tell you, for a split second it sent a fear right through my heart. Why?
She bullied me for 5 years.
Yup, because of this girl I had the worse high school experience ever. It’s because of her that I had no interest in attending a single reunion. It’s because of her that you couldn’t pay me to go back in time. It’s because of her that I do not look back and fondly reminisce my high school years.
So what did she want? She wanted to know if I was the same person that attended high school with her and if I were could I please email her back? She wanted to know what I’ve been up to after all this time. She also went on to tell me all about her life – divorced, 3 kids, current employment, etc.
WTH? Why in the world would she even think I’d accept her friend request? She literally terrorized and embarrassed me every chance she got. And it’s not like she even apologized or anything. She just went on and on like we were once best friends.
But then again, it was such a long time ago and we’re both adults now. Should I let bygones be bygones?
What would you do?
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Owner of An Island Life and Family Review Network. Wife, mother, and flight attendant . . . living a blessed life in Hawaii. |
I hold grudges forever. Ignore her!
Honestly, I’d probably respond in the positive. Then never again.
But seriously, what does she want? What kind of relationship is she expecting?
High School is so weird. Especially when it revisits us 20 years later!
I’m reasonably sure that I harassed a few (and was harassed) in my day, but it would terrify me now to find out that I had such an effect on someone. I think it is difficult to be self aware when high school age. Although I was likely guilty to an extent, I cannot think of any specific instances or victims, she may be the same way.
I would probably accept the invitation and take the high road. No easy answer however.
I ran into an old nemesis years later and they acted like we were old friends. I’ve seen them on Facebook but have not reached out myself.
I might forgive, but I don’t forget
I’d say by the responses you obviously hit a nerve that everyone can relate to! I look forward to hearing more of the story.
Hugs,
Holly
That’s kind of funny to me for some reason! As far as my high school mates go, we’ve been friending everybody, regardless of what cliques and issues there used to be in high school – in fact I can’t even remember who I liked and didn’t like back then very well – 19 whole years ago!
So do with it what seems right to you. Though I doubt she can do much bullying via Facebook.
I’m one to give people a second chance. And yes, maybe things have changed for the better. But if not, we can easily leave and let it be. So if she’s still the same girl who loves to bully you around, you can easily delete her from your list. But if she’d become really friendly, well, welcome a potential friend.
The first thing she should have said was I know I treated you bad in school and then appologize before trying to start up some sort of friendship. Without saying anything I would not want her as a friend. We were kids only in 2nd grade and we use to tease a child and after all these years I still feel bad about that and I was only about 8. If I ever saw this girl again thats the first thing I would do,say I’m sorry.
Wow, maybe she is nice now. Maybe she realizes now, that she was a royal B*tch, to you? Do you think that could be it? Very interesting. I don’t know what I would do. I am looking forward to see what you do.
This is easy for me… IGNORE her!!!
I’ve had a few contacts from folks I went to Highschool with and for some weird reason, none of them were ever from my friends. “hey remember me? blah blah blah” Whatever!
Highschool is over and I’m glad cuz real life is so much better.
I’m so sorry that this girl made your life back then miserable.
My father lived to be 94 years young. He was always happy and always fun. Someday I’ll write about book about him. I asked him one day, how have you remained so happy and young, he said, I never held a grudge. It’s one of the best things that I learned from him. He told me he watched many friends get old before their time, by being mad and where did it get them, he said, into an early grave. I was also bullied in high school. Rise above it, be the proud one, go for the memories and possibilities.
I guess it would be a difficult one for me too Kailani. You are such a sweet person and I cannnot imagine anyone not liking you!!! – that is beside the point I guess. At first I thought let bygones be bygones, but you aren’t harboring a hate for her – it is just you don’t want to be buddies. I mean, this girl really hurt you. I guess it would depend – does she live anywhere near you? In Hawaii? If not, I would just not worry about it. If she continues and you want to get rid of her, you could be honest and say “I’m sure you’ve changed, but I just don’t really feel comfortable conversing with you when you made my life a LIVING HELL back in high school.” I know people change and life goes on, but there are also penalties for our “sins” and consequences for our actions. It is a hard decision. But, if you don’t think there is a chance she’ll keep harassing you, I’d just ignore it. You are so far past that now and I’m sure you were then too. Kailani, you don’t need who made you feel bad. Look at where you are now. A wonderfully successful, vibrant, beautiful mother and mom with a great career, lots of adoring bloggers (me for one!) and a great life. You don’t need it.
Love ya
Dana
That is just creepy. I think I’d ignore the request. She’ll either take the hint and leave you alone, or send another email explaining her intentions…maybe?
Thank goodness for privacy settings!
OMG! I don’t know what to say. I’m torn… I’ve said there were a few people that if I saw again I would want to apologize for how I acted during my high school days… BUT, I don’t know if I’d go out of my way to contact them b/c I’m not sure (similar to how you’re feeling) how they’d receive me. I know time is supposed to heal, but the memories remain and at this point, I’m not sure even if she apologized that if would be relevant to your life right now anyway. You know? So, I’d say (if you do proceed) to proceed with caution and not to divulge so much… I guess the blog is a giveaway, huh? It’ll be fine. I’d loved to hear how it goes.
I’m not a big fan of reunions of people I don’t talk to anymore. I know people change, but still, there are some things (and people) that I feel are better off in the past.
Tough call. I think that I would probably reconnect, fill her in on my life and tell her that I haven’t got very fond memories of her!
Funny I ran across this post.
2 weeks from now I have my 20th year reunion. We all signed up for Facebook. Everyday for the past couple months new people are finding me on facebook. Its kinda freaky.
Sure, add her. She is probably reaching out because she feels bad. Just don’t get close.
I friend someone I liked in high school then notice their friends. There are some that I didn’t care for so I don’t reach out to them. She probably is lonely and misses high school.
I think you have to do whatever you are comfortable with!
For me, it has been difficult turning down any high school friend requests (though I have!) as my graduating class was under 20!
In my experience… often people who think everything is great and fine because THEIR life is seemingly perfect and fine (despite the obvious fact that they make other people miserable)… well, these very people go on believing that they were good people despite hurting others because they don’t remember the pain. They don’t remember because they didn’t experience the pain themselves, they only experienced joy from giving that pain.
In other words, she may not remember what she did to you. Which is really sad. Often those types of people are self centered, and if she was so self centered at such a young age, what are the chances that she has changed for the better?
I say your better off without her. Even if you tried to get some sort of closure with her, she probably wouldn’t know what the heck you are talking about.
Vent. Like I just did here.
http://essaysbynatalie.blogspot.com/
I don’t know – but I’ve thought about it lately too. In elementary school there was a group of four girls who bullied, teased and tormented me mercilessly all the way from kindergarten until I finally stood up to one of them in third grade. It didn’t get much better though – I almost changed schools for fifth grade, but stuck it out. I have no idea what ever happened to any of those four – and really have no interest in finding out. The way they treated me back then had a lot to do with how I thought of myself and reacted to people all during my childhood and even into my high school and college years. My 20th HS reunion is this month – and I probably will not go. Sigh.
I’ve reconnected with my old high school “gang” on Facebook too, but I’ve turned down their offers to get together and party like we are still 16 years old. Why? Because that’s not my life anymore, and I really have no interest in living in the past. I just know that if we get together, it’s going to be hours of “remember when we?” and “what ever happened to?”, and I’m just not interested in doing that. High school was a LONG time ago for me!
That being said, I would probably reply to her friend request by saying something like “Susie, how interesting to hear from you after all these years. Thanks for the message, I hope you are well”, and just leave it at that.
[...] over at An Island Life asked an interesting question about Visiting the Past. What would you [...]
Naww… you aren’t the same person she knew.
You are far more interesting, capable, successful, yada yada yada.
(:
Wow, after reading all the comments, I`m really glad I was homeschooled for high school!
I wouldn`t accept the request. There`s no real reason to contact her and why bother if she was so nasty to you before? You`ll just think of those bad times every time you see her profile pic on your friends list and that`s just not fun.
So, what did you end up doing? I need to know!
I think that quite often people don’t realize how their actions impact others. If she came from a home where she was abused and/or had no control over anything, she may very well have tried to control you (via bullying) to feel as if she had some say in her life. But she may not realize that’s what she was doing or why.
There’s obviously something about you that she remembers. And for her to have opened up to you initially was a positive step. I’d contact her and let her know that you are doing well, are happy and successful. If she replies, then I’d say the opportunity for communication is there–tell her that you reluctant to repsond initially because in school she made your life very difficult and you weren’t sure of her Facebook motivations. That will give her the chance to reply.
If you tell her you are doing great and don’t hear from her again, then that’s fine, too. If she’s still the same bully then you’ve diffused her attempt to make you miserable by learding a good life. I suspect, though, that she genuinely wants to establish contact with you, even if it’s subconsciously. And that will give you an opportunity to let her know how she negatively impacted you and to apologize.
Let us know what you decide, I’m curious to hear how it turns out. Good luck with your decision, either way!