Visiting the Past
August 4, 2008 by Kailani
Filed under random thoughts
I recently received a friend request on Facebook from someone I used to go to high school with. I can’t believe that after 20 *ahem* years, she was able to find me. And let me tell you, for a split second it sent a fear right through my heart. Why?
She bullied me for 5 years.
Yup, because of this girl I had the worse high school experience ever. It’s because of her that I had no interest in attending a single reunion. It’s because of her that you couldn’t pay me to go back in time. It’s because of her that I do not look back and fondly reminisce my high school years.
So what did she want? She wanted to know if I was the same person that attended high school with her and if I were could I please email her back? She wanted to know what I’ve been up to after all this time. She also went on to tell me all about her life – divorced, 3 kids, current employment, etc.
WTH? Why in the world would she even think I’d accept her friend request? She literally terrorized and embarrassed me every chance she got. And it’s not like she even apologized or anything. She just went on and on like we were once best friends.
But then again, it was such a long time ago and we’re both adults now. Should I let bygones be bygones?
What would you do?
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Owner of An Island Life and Family Review Network. Wife, mother, and flight attendant . . . living a blessed life in Hawaii. |
You know, I’ve found that sometimes my perception of past events has been so skewed it’s nuts. We remember emotions so strongly that even one or two moments of bullying can be remembered as years of it. I’m NOT saying this is the case with you, but it was with me and several classmates. I’ve talked to a couple of them and they either haven’t even remembered it or considered it friendly teasing, whereas I interpreted it as cruelty.
There are some strong hurt feelings still there for more than a few though. Those ones are people I don’t have a grudge for, but if I was faced with the same situation I would not attempt to rekindle any relationship at all.
Maybe she truly has no idea what a living hell she made your life or maybe she’s still playing mind games. I would probably choose not to respond at all.
hmmm… that sure is a tough one. I suppose, in an ideal world, I would remember that people do change and grow up and realize they were jerks… perhaps she wants to apologize?
You could message her back- nicely of course- and tell her straight up how much she hurt you, tell her you are reluctant to accept her friend request because of it. See what she says about that. If she hasn’t changed she will curse you (luckily you won’t be able to hear, oh the joy of computers) and you can move on. If she HAS changed she will apologize and perhaps it can bring some closure to a really crappy period in your life.
That is what I would HOPE I would do. But MY bully hasn’t contacted me on facebook yet
i would HOPE that she realizes how wrong she was to bully you…in fact, i think she could’ve been a slight bit jealous of you. i’m hoping to heck that she grew up. and i think if you’re not comfortable w having someone who bullied you into any part of your life, the do what’s best for you.
Bullies only bully because they are insecure about themselves. Unfortunately if your reading of the situation is right then she is probably just trying to once again prove how good her life is compared to yours. If it were me I would probably ignore it, have done so actually, not someone from high school, but someone who hurt me way worse.
High school sucked for me too. I wish I could forgive some people and move on. It’s hard.
Good luck!
If it were me, I wouldn’t accept the friend request. I agree that she was probably insecure about her own self and hand to bully someone else just to make herself feel better…it’s one thing if you bumped into her and she said “Hi, how are you,” and then you didn’t see her or talk to her again, but to have her as a “friend”–even if it’s on Facebook, I think would be awkward…I agree the past is the past, and kids can be really mean in highschool, but my opinion is it’s okay to forgive (like Lee Cataluna’s column quoted Buddha: “Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”), but my opinion would be to ignore the request. In the end, you just have to trust your gut!
Hard to say, but I probably wouldn’t contact her. Maybe a cursory hello, but I just don’t think I could converse with someone who cause me so much pain.
It happened to me too. Why do this people act like nothing happened? They still continue to invite me to parties and social networking sites. I always click ignore request or delete it.
Being bullied is such a hard thing to forget. I know the feeling!
What would I do? I’d tell her what I think of what has happened in school and then wait for a response.
Andreas
What you posted is very common! We just had our 20 year reunion and the same people that either wanted nothing to do with you, bullied you or were just not nice all of the sudden wanted to know about you and had interest. I found it very bizarre and a little disturbing to say the less but being an ADULT that I am, I was juts polite, showed interest and basicall moved on. The friends that I want to see from high school I have been for the last twenty years, the others it was just interesting to see where they ended up! And for the most part, the ones that you thought would succeed and have this wonderful life, did not. It just goes to show, you never know where life will take you. You have to ask yourself “Is she going to add something to my life by being friends with her now, especially with the past involved?”
People change so I would probably give her a chance but be open about she treated you so that you can clear the air.
I agree with the other commenters that she was probably insecure, and most likely jealous of you back then (why would she even seek you out if she didn’t want something from you on some level?).
And she’s probably matured, moved on, blahblahblah.
But what if she hasn’t? What if she starts the same old crap simply because that’s part of who she is? That’s always a possibility – a possibility I’m never willing to deal with because I don’t do strife in my life very well. I neither have the time, nor the desire, to walk down that road – then or now.
In addition, I woudln’t feel comfortable with her having access to every aspect of my life – my family, my friends, my status updates, conversations, pictures, etc. I’m very protective of my private life and giving access to someone I may or may not trust (or even like!) is just not an option for me.
If it were me, I’d ignore her request. True, sometimes the severity of our perspectives can be skewed over time, but you know whether you got along with a person overall or not. The bottom line? She made you uncomfortable back then and she might make you uncomfortable now.
I wouldn’t even put myself in the situation to find out either way.
Most people grow out of their high school meanness. She may not even realize how badly her actions affected you. I am all for forgiveness, though. There’s no reason to become best friends, but there’s also no reason (that you’ve told us) to hold grudges through decades. It’ll only eat you up.
Give her a second chance. If she fails, and repeats the same pattern, then you can easily delete her from your Facebook friends.
Living well is the best revenge, right? You are a happy, beautiful, successful person with a wonderful life and a happy family! I say accept her friend request!
She has already demonstrated that she is not friend material. I say that people like her are the reason the delete button was invented.
This is a toughy. I know how you must feel. After all this time, for her to not acknowledge that she wasn’t as nice as she could be kind of stinks. It makes you hurt like it did in high school. I would e-mail back and let her know how you’re doing and maybe just stick with corresponding that way. You don’t have to accept her as a friend right away, though.
Perhaps her divorce was painful enough to make her think of how she hurt others in her lifetime. Maybe she’s striking up a conversation so she can work up the nerve to apologize.
Good luck! I’ll be thinking about you. Please keep us posted on how this goes.
I actually get a lot of friend requests from people who were awful to me, and sometimes I send requests to people that I haven’t spoken to in forever. I think maybe she wants to make amends for the past…consider in an olive branch. Maybe she wants to connect with you to bring some healing to the situation.
Either way, it’s not like you actually have to talk to her…
This is a tough one but I’d have to say that I personally wouldn’t accept her friendship request UNLESS she went on to say she was sorry and why she did what she did so long ago. However, her reaching out to you may mean just that. You also have to remember that we were all kids in high school even though we thought we were so old.
Good luck either way.
How ironic, it must be a 19 year itch or something. I’ve been back in touch with a lot of people from HS lately both me finding them and them finding me (but they started it!). In fact my post yesterday was about apologizing for being a jerk (now I wasn’t a jerk like this girl was to you, I wasn’t near that bad, but I could have been and should have been much more considerate and kind about this person’s heart when they offered it to me) – anyway I did offer up that apology and I’m glad I did it, and I’m so grateful for the opportunity, too.
Let bygones be bygones, I say. You’re a better person now because of what you went through.
Honestly, if it was me, I wouldn’t even accept the message or friend request and just move on. I do not tolerate bullies and she doesn’t even deserve to be back in your life even if it was just a friend on facebook. You have risen above her, so I just wouldn’t even look back. (((HUGS)))
I think most people grow up and put that stuff behind them. You may never forget, but it’s amazing how age changes your perspective. I’m nostalgic for the past and personally would see what she was up to, without opening the door too far. I have found a few instances where people are just lonely and bored and looking for someone to vent their problems to.
I’d be curious to know what you decide to do!
I don’t think she has a clue what she did and how much pain she has caused you. I would tell her and then ask her why she would even want to be friends now?? I think it would be good for you to see if she apologized for what she did . If she doesn’t then you know she is not a person who you want to be facebook friends with. Its good to have closure and you are able to “confront your bully and pain”. Keep in mind” YOU HAVE THE POWER”
That’s such a tough one, I went through a lot of the same stuff in high school and felt like I hated these girls. I have seen some on MySpace and Facebook now too and some of them seem different now but some seem like the same witches I remember them as!
Maybe in your case, she’s changed and maybe she even realizes what type of person she was in school and wants to make nice…but I would be leery of it.
If it were me, I’d probably reply to her email briefly, but not rudely… let her know what you’re up to and nothing more. Then I would decline her friend invitation.
Honestly, the only way you are going to know why she has sent a friend request is to ask her.
I think that I would show her exactly what you wrote to us, as those are your real feelings.
Its up to you really
do you want to open up old wounds?
can you forgive, really forgive this person?
Its an interesting dilemna, that’s for sure…but I do believe that the most important thing is for you to protect your well being and do what YOU are comfortable doing and then have no regrets.
I wish you well in your decision.
A woman I went to school with and truly liked, but envied, recently committed suicide. She was suffering from mental illness (I never knew) and was very depressed.
I digress.
Back in the day I would tease her because she blushed so easily, and I’m sure I made her life a living hell at times. It wasn’t that I hated her, just envied her good looks, smarts and what I thought was an easy way with people, when I was such a clod.
I would give anything to have a moment of her time now as I never did get to speak with her again after our meeting about 10 years ago. I never told her that I really admired her. That I thought she was great.
Sometimes you have to let go, but cautiously.
I wish I had some wise grandmotherly advise but I don’t think I do.
I quite seriously wouldn’t reply. This gal gave you heartache during a precious time in your life that should have been filled with great memories. Let it go and let her go too. You don’t need to take a chance of letting anything unpleasant in your life. Keep it positive and uplifting.
I think she contacted you because she remembers what she did.
People do change and sometimes we wish that we could go back and make the wrongs right.
Maybe she wants to rest her guilty conscience and make amends.
There is also the possibility that she is obvilious.
I guess I would be curious and want to find out which it was and then I would bury her in my past.
I wouldn’t but that’s just me. I had a girl treat me like total crap at school then talked to me like we were best buds after school and I was like so you do it for show, I’m not doin it for show stay away from me
That’s a tough one. My philosphy about high school friends is that if I still wanted to be friends with them today, I would have kept in touch all this time. The only thing we all really had in common, if you think about it, is that we lived in the same area. That’s not the foundation for strong friendships, like say taking the same classes in college or something like that (which is where most of my close friends came from). If I were you, I wouldn’t accept it, but that’s just me. What do you gain from adding her as a “friend”? Nothing, really. And what do you lose if you dont’ add her? Again, nothing.
I would email her back and find out what she wants. Maybe she’s in a 12-step program and is trying to make amends? I wouldn’t give her your personal information but email is arm’s reach enough, right?!
I wouldn’t accept the request either. I’m pretty selective with my FB friends – they’re actually friends, not just acquaintances.
I would tell her exactly how you felt then and feel now. That sounds SO very Dr. Phil, but really, she may not realize the depth of what she did to you way back then and it would give her a chance to apologize, and maybe explain. Just be honest…what can it hurt? Good luck!
In a nutshell, you have put into words why I have been reluctant to use facebook. I think of it in the terms that if I wanted to stay in contact with those people, I would have…
Yikes… I’m not sure what I would do. You’d like to think that people change… maybe she does feel bad?? I have no idea what to tell you. Sorry :S
Oh, and by the way, the Millenium Falcon is the space ship thing that Han Solo flies in the Star Wars movies
Ditto what Bee said…
personally I would not accept either and send her the reason why….not that you are holding grudges but just why. I would say the same things you wrote her and be open and tell her why
hey kailani! *ps thanks for the mention on 5mfm*
I think give her a chance..be the bigger person, maybe she wants to say sorry? maybe she didnt even realize it? Regardkess, your a very wonderful person and I would say that let bygones be bygones and show that you didnt let it hold you back.
trisha
She may not have realized that she bullied you. Or she blocked it out of her memory. Who knows? I say, be bold and ask her straight up – what’s the deal?
I’d ask her too. She either doesn’t realize how she was back then or maybe is feeling guilty and trying to make ammends? Good luck with either way you go.
I would say if you had been friends & then had a falling out, then let it go. Since she was just a bully, why bother being her friend? I don’t really see the point in it.
Some people (esp. teenagers) have NO idea how cruel & mean & nasty they are/were to others. Who knows, maybe in her warped teenage mind, she did nothing wrong and you guys were great friends!
But I still wouldn’t bother with her now either. She probably the same way.
I am not on facebook, but I can think of a few people it would quease me out to run into again (in person or online). But it sounds to me like you need to forgive her, even if it’s just for your own self. It sounds like she’ll be a burden to you until you forgive her and let her go (said with lots of love)
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She found you on facebook… ya think she’s reading this blog now? I believe in leaving negative people/experiences in the past. If it comes looking for me, it better come with a big fat apology and proof of sincereity. Sounds like your former bully is running out of people to listen to her(crap). She’ll need some reminding of the past if you feel up to throwing her a bone.
Well I’m not sure what to say about it. I am one to hold a grudge most of the time. I think you should just do what you feel is best. Try it and see how it turns out if she hasn’t changed then you just don’t talk to her anymore.
No way. Thank god we can put high school behind us and leave it there. Who needs a past bully for a friend now.
find out where she lives and make her life hell !!!!
I’d ignore the request. Bullies are about as likely to forget the bullying they did as those that were bullied are likely to forget being bullied.
I was bullied (just not physically) in high school and have never forgotten it. And I would never go to a reunion, not even if you paid me.
Well that is a tough situation. I love facebook, by the way! I think I would write her back and tell her what you are up to, then see what happens, if she writes back after that I might let her know how she made you feel back in school, perhaps she wasnt aware of how awful she was or maybe it will help her to be a softer person now. Good luck!
maybe she doesn’t realize how she treated you or how her actions affected you. maybe she does know but sees those high school years as part of her past and that the past and present are two different things (i’m not saying this is necessarily right).
i guess, if it were me, i would accept but tread lightly into this cyber relationship. find out if she’s someone you’d want to be friends with today. and maybe, just maybe, you could communicate about your feelings about the past.
Oh SNAP! I would definitely deny her request and send her an email telling her why. Don’t sound angry about it, just state the facts, maybe a couple examples of the harassment, and a stern “no thank you.” Then see what she does. My guess is that she’s trying to be friends with you to clear her own conscience, but instead of apologizing, she’s trying to get around it by making you her “friend,” so she can feel like bygones are bygones and feel better about herself. I say you make her work for it a little. Then if she asks you for forgiveness, give it to her. No point holding onto bitterness. But you still don’t have to be her friend if you don’t want to.