I’ve written this post over and over again trying to find the right words but then realized that there aren’t any. So I’m just going to come out and say it . . . I am no longer pregnant.
About a week ago, I started spotting. I immediately made an appointment to see my OB-GYN and went in thinking I had already miscarried. Surprisingly, when she did the ultrasound there was the fetus with it’s heart beating strong. I was shocked. I told my doctor that it’s amazing how a miscarriage scare can really make you appreciate a pregnancy. All of a sudden, I felt like I was the luckiest person on Earth to be having a baby. I carried the baby’s first photo home in my purse and proudly displayed it on the fridge.
An hour later, the fetus was gone. This is actually the third miscarriage I’ve been through so I knew exactly what has happening. However, for some reason this one seems to be the hardest one to deal with and I have no idea why. It’s not like we were even trying to have more children. I don’t know, maybe it’s the difference between not wanting more kids and not being able to have more kids.
I think a part of me must still be in denial. I still haven’t told anyone besides my family – not my doctor, not my friends, not my employer. I’ve just been trying to concentrate on spending the holidays with my family and making sure my girls enjoy Christmas even though I’m just not in the mood. I usually keep all of our decorations up until the New Year but decided to take them down the day after Christmas. I’m just so over it already. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when the New Year was here.
Don’t worry, I know that in time I’ll be fine. I have to be for the sake of my two girls. I know I’m so blessed to have them in my life and I want to make sure they know it.
Life will go on . . .
Owner of An Island Life. A mother to 3 beautiful girls and flight attendant . . . living a blessed life in Hawaii.